However, I would be more careful about choosing the words and the metaphors that you employ to do this, because you have a tendency to use overly dramatic images that do not really fit the story that well. I also noticed that you do not provide a clear introduction that gives the reader a clear indication of the major themes and direction of your essay. You have described the circumstances of your birth in both the present tense and in the past tense, so I would remind you of the importance of selecting one or the other and then sticking to that choice throughout your essay.

The organization of your essay is also somewhat confusing because you seem to shift back and forth between a narrative description of your birth and of your family's history and of the philosophical (and historical) perception of the importance of gender in Chinese society....
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